im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
