he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
