On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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