I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My feet surprised me
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