If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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