a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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