Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
