The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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