Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize