i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Randomize
