Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
