I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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