I wish I could teleport
Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
