he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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