I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
