I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
