So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize