There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize