I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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