I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
