I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
