i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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