Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
