Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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