Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
