not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
