I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
