I can text with my tongue
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
