I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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