how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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