my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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