No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
