Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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