this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize