a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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