P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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