Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
