Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
