just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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