I didn't shave. On purpose
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
