I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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