we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize