i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
