Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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