it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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