im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
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