I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
not ubering you a puppy
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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