Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
