I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
