you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
