My hand turned me down
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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