hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You may now shotgun with the bride
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize