I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
