New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
