I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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