Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
