so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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