If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
