come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize