I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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