tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
