In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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