I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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