I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
