just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
