Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
love makes seman taste better
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
