Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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