did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
